Decoding ADHD And NPD Patterns

This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Adhd Unmasked

No, it’s not our job to be anybody’s hero. Our mission? Setting expectations, and boundaries, and shielding ourselves from abuse, manipulation, and harm. I’ve had exposure to narcissistic people since my first years. And I’m here to expose an unspoken secret known to many on the correlation between Adhd and Narcissistic Abuse.

An image of tangled chains or ropes, symbolizing the entanglement and struggles faced in relationships affected by ADHD and Narcissistic Abuse

Unmasking Narcissistic Abuse

Whether it’s a past you’re still untangling or a journey you’ve survived, the stories shared here resonate with the silent struggles, the weight of expectations, and the pursuit of healing. Welcome to a chapter where the narrative unfolds for those who’ve endured narcissistic abuse, shackled by the pressure to be a better person. This one’s for you.

Decoding Patterns

I’ve always had a unique relationship with patterns. They are a secret language that decodes the world around me. This skill served me well as a software engineer, helping me navigate life. You see, code and software have a pattern. To understand code, you have to understand its patterns. Once you’re aware of the patterns, you can fix the code, change it, or even hack it.

Humans, much like code, adhere to patterns. Some display overt patterns, while others, like the ‘edge case scenarios’ in code, have patterns that are more challenging to decipher. In the next section, we will explore some ADHD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) patterns interactions.

  1. Love Bombing:
    • ADHD and NPD individuals may engage in love bombing.
    • ADHD love bombing stems from genuine, impulsive emotions, while NPD love bombing is a calculated manipulation tactic.
    • Narcissists know they can exploit ADHDers through their intense emotional responses.
  2. Savior Mentality vs Playing the Victim:
    • The impulsive nature of the ADHD Savior Mentality can lead to acting on empathetic impulses without fully recognizing potential manipulation.
    • Narcissists, skilled at identifying and exploiting vulnerabilities, may take advantage of the genuine desire for justice, trapping individuals with ADHD in a cycle of perceived victimhood.
  3. Emotional Dysregulation vs Manipulation:
    • ADHD is associated with emotional dysregulation, leading to a shorter fuse and difficulty managing frustration.
    • Narcissists may exploit these vulnerabilities by orchestrating public triggers, capitalizing on the emotional responses of individuals with ADHD.
  4. Impulsivity vs Gaslighting Tactics:
    • The impulsivity inherent in ADHD can sometimes manifest in impromptu decisions or statements. While these actions are typically spontaneous and not manipulative, gaslighters may seize upon these moments, distorting them to cast doubt on the reliability of someone with ADHD.
    • NPD Manipulation: Narcissists are adept at recognizing impulsivity in individuals with ADHD. They may deliberately provoke impulsive reactions and then use these actions as ammunition for gaslighting, perpetuating a cycle of confusion and self-doubt.
  5. Communication Challenges vs gaslighting
    • Individuals with ADHD may struggle with communication, leading to misunderstandings. Gaslighters exploit these gaps by distorting or selectively presenting information, making it difficult for someone with ADHD to articulate their feelings and defend their version of events.
    • NPD Manipulation: Narcissists skillfully manipulate communication to control the narrative. They may intentionally create confusion, distort reality, or present a distorted version of events, exploiting the communication challenges associated with ADHD.

Examples of Adhd And Narcissistic abuse Patterns

This narrative highlights the intricate interplay between the genuine emotional experiences of individuals with ADHD and the calculated tactics of manipulation employed by those with NPD.

My toxic relationship

After understanding these patterns, let’s delve into real-life experiences that vividly illustrate the impact of narcissistic abuse. My journey introduced me to a psychology student whose narcissistic tendencies led to a disturbing series of events. Exploiting every opportunity, he engaged in a relentless cycle of abuse, theft, reputation sabotage, and manipulation, all while portraying himself as the victim.

Discarding, Hoovering, Manipulation

The absurdity reached its peak when he was set to harm me. The more I attempted to distance myself, the more he employed hoovering techniques and painted scenarios that manipulated me into feeling heartless for considering abandonment.

To sever ties, I changed my phone numbers, address, and circle of friends, determined to create as much distance as possible from this toxic individual.

Effects of Abuse

The impact of ADHD and narcissistic abuse can be overwhelming, with constant exposure to gaslighting, manipulation, and abuse affecting not only the immediate situation but also extending to other relationships. It’s crucial to recognize that not everyone will understand what you’re going through or know how to support you.

The effect this person had on me was unbearable, with the continuous gaslighting, love bombing, and stress overstimulating my nervous system to the point of dissociation. I recently learned that when your nervous system is consistently under stress, it tends to shut down. Interestingly, when you begin to feel safe, your nervous system continues firing stress signals until it recovers from the overstimulation. This phenomenon is perplexing because the feelings mistaken for love after a relationship with a narcissist are, in fact, just manifestations of your nervous system’s response.

Social circles

When I was trapped in the web of narcissistic abuse, even those closest to me, who had traversed similar paths, struggled to comprehend the extent of the manipulation. A mistake that I also made to one of my really good friends. I did show support 100%. And though I was and will always be on his team, I stayed friends with his narcissistic ex. A mistake I regret to this day.


As a society, we lack the necessary education on ADHD and narcissistic abuse. When somebody faces harassment, our response is often to encourage forgiveness, emphasizing the deficiency in our understanding of ADHD and narcissistic abuse.

Moreover, when individuals react to narcissistic abuse, we tend to blame them for their communication skills. This points to a broader issue within our society, where the focus is more on appearances rather than the substance of things. There’s a tendency to prioritize how things seem rather than what they truly are.

Additionally, we observe a societal expectation for individuals to conform to certain norms, concealing their authentic selves to gain acceptance. This discrepancy in societal values and expectations serves as a compelling reason for me to write this chapter and, more broadly, this series.

Recommend reading

Navigating the aftermath of narcissistic abuse is confusing. requires a compass to understand what is narcissistic abuse. This is why I recommend the book “Out of the Fog”. It doesn’t address ADHD and narcissism relationships but serves as an invaluable guide, especially for narcissistic victims. This book illuminates the intricate web of manipulation and offers insights into Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, a bitter revelation for those grappling with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.

a guy standing in front of a castle as a symbol to protection ,empowerment and boudaries

People lie, patterns don’t

Manipulators, in their essence, are all similar. The more abuse you allow, the more they will inflict on you. This is not a superhero movie; it’s your life, and I’m here to tell you what I wish somebody told me four years ago: Protect your well-being at all costs.

As we unravel the intricacies of ADHD and narcissistic abuse, let’s bear in mind that while people may deceive, patterns remain steadfast. Identifying these patterns is a stride toward reclaiming our agency and liberating ourselves from the chains of the savior mentality.

Collectively, we stand resilient against manipulation, armed with the knowledge that understanding, support, and self-care serve as our guiding lights out of the fog.

This chapter stands as a testament to the courage required to confront shadows, untangle the web of manipulation, and step into the clarity of healing.

Series Chronology<< Behind the Mask: Confronting the Struggles of ADHD Identity

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Welcome to UltGate, a unique blog established in 2011 by Jed Ismael. Here, we blend technology with life’s nuances, offering practical ADHD tips, tech tutorials, and fitness advice. Our goal is to simplify complex concepts and empower you in your digital and personal journey.

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